Human
by thenostalgicdreamer
Summary: Breaking up with Farkle makes Isadora think about what it means to be human.


_ for C  
thankful for the joy the kindness of your soul has brought me_

_._

_._

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(Please note that this story references a Smarkle breakup. If that is something you would not enjoy reading, please kindly pass this story by.)

It's her first real disappointment. She didn't see it coming and thinks she should have. They didn't just one day decide to call it quits; the distance between them grew wider and wider, and that should have been her first clue. It wasn't. She was surprised the day he mentioned that they weren't right for each other. The moment he said that, she knew he was right. Still, it felt like a gut punch, and she's still recovering from it. She returned the t-shirt he gave her, and he gave her a hug with a remark about how they'd always be friends. It felt genuine, but she still didn't know what to say.

Months have passed now, but she barely feels better. She doesn't think she'd take him back if he asked. That'd just be too weird, but she's still not over it. It's not Farkle as much as the grand glorious thing that they were together. They're still friends, so he's not totally gone, but Smarkle—it's dead and gone forever. They were to be a power couple who'd change the world through their astounding scientific discoveries. Instead, they are a failed high school romance that no one will ever know about.

Her parents had always told her to go after what she wanted. They had painted the picture of a world that lay open before her where all of her dreams could come true. So, she had dreamt big, unafraid of disappointment and heartache. She had dreamt of Farkle, of someday becoming his wife. She had refused to be daunted by his preference for Riley Matthews, her own Asperger's diagnosis and the way it made her wonder whether anyone would want her. She was strong, and she wouldn't stop fighting until her dreams came true. And they had come true, only to fall apart way too soon.

That had left her here, perennially discouraged, ever wondering how to motivate herself to keep believing in the life she wanted. It didn't help that every time she turned around there was Farkle with Riley never more than a few feet away. He was as kind as ever clearly not harboring as many feelings about the breakup as she did. Still, she could see the handwriting on the wall. You didn't need social skills just to not be Riley Matthews to see that someday soon Farkle and Riley would be together. Thinking of that made her heart hurt. She for all her dreaming, scheming, and hard work had been unable to change Farkle's mind about Riley and get what she had always dreamed of. Instead, she sat alone watching the dreams she had harbored so long fall to pieces.

As time passed, however, a strange thing happened. She realized that she was not truly alone. There sitting in the corner, perhaps missed by her attention for a long time, was Zay. He was there as he had been since he joined the group—watching, observing, and offering wisdom. These days, when she glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, she noticed that he was watching her. His expression was always gentle and often looked concerned especially when Farkle and Riley got lost in a world of their own. Sometimes, he got this pained look on his face then and seemed to be ready to hop out of his seat. (He never did.)

She can't say she likes how she's handling this, watching herself emotionally unravel. She's always been tough, so tough that she could make believe that she wasn't human and didn't have emotions. That wasn't true, but they never stared her in the face like this. She never got teary on the subway home or cried in her room or procrastinated on her homework because she couldn't find the motivation to make herself do it. She's falling apart these days, and it's not something a pint of Ben and Jerry's can fix. It's not that she think that she's unworthy or feels inferior to Riley or worries that no one will ever love her. No, this is so much more than a break-up. It's watching a dream die for the first time and with it the optimism with which she had always approached her life. She's grieving not just for Smarkle but for believing she can have anything she wants if she works hard enough. That hopefulness has been part of her for so long that she isn't sure how to live without it. She doesn't know how to still believe she can go to Harvard. Heck, she doesn't even know how to motivate herself to work hard enough so she can. If she despite her best striving couldn't make one dream come true, how can she know she make the other? It's the thought that haunts her when she lays down to sleep at night, when she sits down to study, when she sees Farkle smile at Riley. How can she know?

Her reaction looks petty. She looks like the stereotypical high school girl whose having a hard time losing her first love. It's not that at all, but who would understand her if she tried to explain? Most girls don't spend their childhood dreaming of marrying their best friend. Not everyone's an optimist who has that to lose when a dream dies. As the days pass, it only gets harder. She's not sure who to tell, has a sinking feeling that she won't be able to hold it in for that much longer. She's strong but not that strong. Besides, she's quite sure everyone who's looking can tell that she's not well. She's not crying in public, but she can't wipe the sadness from her face. The dark circles under her eyes are too dark to be hidden by her makeup, and she can't keep using smaller loops on her belt forever without someone asking why. She wouldn't know what to say if they did. They wouldn't understand why she's so sad that a lot of times she's not even hungry and forgets to eat.

It's one day while she's tutoring in Zay in chemistry that she lets herself finally open up. She and Lucas and Zay have been studying together for a few weeks; the material has been hard for them lately, and she's enjoying the challenge of bringing it all down to their level. She's not sure why she does it, but Lucas happens to be gone, and she knows she's been thinking lately that the study sessions are where she feels safe. It can't sound smooth to Zay the roundabout way she explains that it's not about Farkle but about watching a dream die, but he just listens with the concerned look she knows so well. He doesn't say much, but his tone is gentle, and she feels heard. He won't bring this up again with her or anyone else. It's a private moment, and she's so thankful it happened. She goes home that day feeling a little better and finds the courage to broach the subject with her older sister. It had felt like something Margie would laugh at and dismiss as teenage drama, but if Zay, a guy could understand, why not Margie who had watched her love Farkle for so many years?

Getting it out helps but doesn't change the reality or the way her mind brilliant though it is can't get itself around what's happened. She still cries and wonders about the future as she studies physics. Sometimes in her moments of deepest doubt, she sees Zay's concerned look in her mind's eye, and it always makes her feel better. No matter what happens, he cares, and he's on her side. He's watching out for her these days. He always seems to look at her face for signs of tears when he sees her and asks in a gentle way that hardly feels like small talk how she is. He always says something affirming in return that rattles her soul with the feeling that he believes in her. Sure, he's Zay; he believes in everyone, but right now, it means so much to know that someone, anyone believes in her. His confidence in her shines past the doubt and helps her find her way through the hard days.

She finds herself looking forward to the tutoring sessions and the opportunity to be with Zay. Lucas is there too, but all she sees is Zay and his smile that somehow has the power to warm her from the inside out. They spend a lot of time on chemistry, but sometimes they chat about life, and she shares little bits and pieces of how she feels. Zay is always serious when he listens creating this certainty in her mind that she has his full attention. It makes her feel known and heard and makes the worries float away. She matters to Zay, and that makes all her other struggles feel small in comparison. The worries always eventually return, but it's always such sweet relief to get spend time with Zay and forget it all if only for a short span of time.

On one particular day, their talk wanders to life being hard. It's how she's explaining herself right now—things are hard. People get it because something in life is always hard for everyone. Normally, she wouldn't consider it something to talk to guys about, but Zay and Lucas aren't guys as much as her friends. Zay expresses sympathy and then drops a bombshell that leaves her reflecting for weeks. It's the simplest statement and perhaps the most obvious but something that she has forgotten admist her pain. You won't always feel this way. She feels hope sprout in her heart immediately. Of course, that's what she's needed—the reminder of what she has always known, that feelings like everything else in life don't last forever. He immediately launches into the story of losing his grandma. She had known his grandma had died two years before; that part was no secret to his friends who heard about his trip to Texas for the funeral. Soon after, though, she had forgotten about his loss. He had turned quiet pulled in by grief that most of the world had had no clue existed. Yet, he had suffered; his story and the quiet way that Lucas is listening make that abundantly clear. It was a time of darkness for him—darkness that he is only finally coming out of. Suddenly, everything he's been doing for her makes sense. He knows what it's like to be devastated, to depend on the kindness and support of one's family and friends to merely survive. Softened by the loss, he can't bear to see anyone, anyone he cares about at all suffer. It's a day that leaves her with deepened respect for Zay and everything that he is.

She puts his words on a picture of the sky and makes it her home screen. She finds herself looking at it often—every time she needs hope. She's long felt like she doesn't understand feelings and doesn't need to understand them because she's not quite human. She can see now that that's a paralyzing lie. She might experience emotions differently, but she's just as much human as anyone else. Denying the fact has only left her more unprepared for this time and the overwhelming feelings it has brought. She is going to give up that lie and the safety that it brought because the truth is always better. She'll hold onto this: she's human and has feelings, but those feelings won't last forever. She won't always be here, feeling this way. And if it's not forever, she can do this. This time of hardship may have zapped some of her strength, but she's still the same strong girl she's always been. Besides if she's human, it's alright to be here, to be grieving, to be depending on people like Margie and Zay to get by. Someday, she doesn't know when, but it's coming—this will all just be a memory.

One day, she wakes up and realizes she loves Zay. It's the reason his words have so much weight and his smile brightens even her darkest day. She loves Zay. He hasn't taken Farkle's place; no one could ever do that, but love for Zay has somehow grown up between the vestiges of her broken dream. She has come to appreciate everything he is not because he makes her life better but because he is who he is—a kind, gentle, caring person. That makes her life better, but she'd appreciate it even if she watched it touch other lives and not hers. She never would have thought she would fall for that. She's always been about brains and not heart. But somehow, the beauty of Zay's kindness and love have captured her completely, and she can no longer deny that she loves him and perhaps has for quite some time.

A few weeks later, she begins feeling that he somehow knows her secret. She's never been shy about crushes before, but if he doesn't like her back, she doesn't want him to know. He catches her staring at him at lunch, and she panics. She thinks she's been doing it recently, but maybe she's doing it more today, and maybe he's catching on. He just smiles and looks back down at his lunch. Later on when she's tutoring him and Lucas in chemistry, he seems especially quiet, and she wonders if knowing is making him hold back. She goes home that night scared he knows, half-hoping he does. She has no clue; she's not adept at reading social cues after all. She wakes up the next morning still thinking about it after having thought about it all night, and she knows she has to know, so she corners him at lunch and asks him herself. He says that he knows. Of course he knows, he's Zay and observant along with everything else. He tells her likes her too and kisses her hand, and her heart beats so wildly that she hardly remembers exactly what happens next. But she's with Zay now, and all his beauty is in her life. She has no aspirations except to make him as happy he makes her.

For all the lightness and butterflies, her feelings don't go away. They will. Don't get her wrong, she knows he's right, and they will. But even Zay with all his kindness and compassion can't will away her feelings. He can remind her that she should be hungry and ought to eat, help her laugh away the tears, and never stop telling her that she's strong and that this is all just a tunnel. Someday, the sun will rise, and she'll feel perfectly alright again, but until then, she'll get by. For such is to be human—to find the strength to bear the sorrow and savor the joy that life has a way of bringing. And if this experience taught her anything, it's that being human is a beautiful thing.


End file.
